The past couple of weeks have been EXTREMELY busy for me in all respects of my life. I’ve got quite the pile on my desk work-wise, my friends want to spend lots of time with me as I do them, and of course my life at home is crazy! I feel like I’m constantly on the go and i just want to get off this ride! That is life I guess, and this particular month just seems to be one of those hectic ones. The downside is I really don’t have anytime to take care of myself the way I should be. I’m eating okay I guess. Not bad, but not entirely good. Just kind of getting by. The part that really sucks is I haven’t had anytime to exercise. I could really use it just to help with the stress. Working out has always been a big stress relief for me and i could use it now more than ever.

Fortunately, there is an end to this madness in sight, but it won’t come for a couple weeks and at that point, the feeling of GO-GO-GO, is going to have a dramatic 180 degree and I think I will be quite down.

You see, I have a lot of things going on in my life right now.. a lot of changes. My biggest fear is the fear of the unknown and that is where I’m heading in life. I am moving and will need to meet new friends, etc.

so much to say here! I will write further on this later.. in the meantime, back to the insanity!

It is definitely awkward being the “Fat friend”. Now don’t get me wrong, I have no animosity to my girlfriends for being skinny. They are beautiful girls and I love them to death. Recently, we had a fabulous girls weekend out. When I say fabulous, that is an understatement. It was one of my favorite weekends! Now the har part of that weekend for me was when we went shopping. We were going into all of the stylish stores that don’t carry sizes larger than 14. It was hard to be that girl that just goes in and just acts like she doesn’t want anything, or is just looking at socks and hats. Socks for christ’s sake!

Oh, can you guess which is me?

Yes people, this is what is landing people on my site. People are googling for terms like:

“Fat Sexy Girl”
“Fat Ass Girl”

Let me tell you.. those are the kind of people I was trying to attract when I started this blog! I wonder if they are disappointed when they get here!

Yesterday I was out somewhere and I saw some people who were most likely a good 100 pounds heavier than me. I noticed I was comparing myself to them. Look at her stomach. At least mine is MUCH smaller than theirs. Just recently I was sitting in a waiting room and there was a girl in there sitting with her husband and she couldn’t fit in the chair. Granted these weren’t the biggest chairs, but she had to turn sideways to fit in it. I noticed myself looking down and seeing how much room there was between my hips and the side of the chair.

What this comes down to is I’m a bitch. What right do I have to compar myself to anyone really. I started wondering if people who were thinner than me were thanking their God, Buddha, flavor of the week, that they weren’t as fat as me. Well, that obviously didn’t make me feel very good. If I was doing it, surely someone else was too. I know I’m not the only self-conscience bitch out here.

The more i thought about it the more i realized why I did that. When I looked at these people I wasn’t thinking.. ewww yuck. I was trying to make myself feel better about my own size. Since being fat, I’ve come a long way with accepting my body size. I really believe that before you can change something about yourself, you need to learn to accept what you have. When I started gaining weight, I used to wear baggy clothes an try to hide myself. I thought if the clothes were baggy enough, no one would notice. I’ve changed that and will even wear form-fitting clothes that highlight parts of my body that i like.. tastefully of course.

I’m curious as to if other people have done this or if i AM the only rotten one? see again, i’m looking for company in my misery :/

Something not many people think about, much less talk about, is that it is a pain in the rear to groom yourself properly when you’re fat! I’m not talking about tweezing the brows or poofing out the hair.. I’m talking about grooming your nether regions.

So, I’m standing in the shower and I’m looking down. Hi Toes. i still see you. Hi gut… yes, I still see you too unfortunately. But where is my friend the vagina? where oh where? Oh yes, It’s hiding behind my belly. Come out come out wherever you are; you need a haircut.

I still haven’t figured out the easiest way to do this and my grooming practices change based on how long I go between bushcuts. If It’s been a while, I need to first start with the clippers and trim the area. Well how do i get there very easily when im a little pudgy down there. I can’t just look down. So I either have to lean over, stand in front of a mirror or lie down on my bed with my legs spread . There is only one reason I should be in that position dammit… and it shouldn’t be because I’m fat and I need to give my bush a good trim. Once its all manageable, then i need to get in the shower. Since I can’t see my little friend very easily, I grab my razor and attack it like a blind person. When I was thin i used to have the strip or whatever little thing i wanted. But since I can’t see it very well, I opt to take it all off that way I can’t mess up. I just move my hand around, searching for hair and as I stumble across it I eliminate it. BE GONE!

So yeah.. that’s something that sucks about being fat!

In April, I had to fly for a business trip. This is the first time I had flown as a fat girl. I sit in my seat, which i fit into okay thankfully, and i go to buckle my seat belt and I have to let all of the slack out so i can buckle it. I was mortified. As I was letting the slack out I wondered if my neighbor next to me was staring at me thinking… give it up girl, just ask for an extender. But, somehow, I was able to wrap my seat belt around my poochy belly and CLICK.

Last week, I had another business trip. I board the airplane and I’m not looking forward to sitting down at all. Since April I have lost 10 pounds, but I’m still nervous. What if I didn’t lose it in the right spots or what if the seatbelt was smaller. What do I do, What do I do???

I sit down. My large bum still fits in the seat. Truth time. Will the safety belt fit around my bulging belly? With my right hand I grab the buckle, with my left I grab the belt I start bringing them together. I need to lengthen the belt with the extra slack and all of the sudden I an buckle AND I have an extra inch of slack.

Yay!

I’m afraid of going to the gym….but I did it anyway. This may sound so silly but for the past 6 months, I have been avoiding the gym like the plague. I’d rather go run at the park or so exercises at home. I have a few reasons for this.

1. I always wonder what people think when a fat girl is at the gym. So many people are so fit and pretty that I just think I’d feel out of place and that with every step on the treadmill, I may break it

2. I used to go to the gym when I was thin. People would see me everyday working out. While I rarely talked to anyone, there was a familiarity there. Always a nod and a simple hi. How do I face these people now that I’m fat.

So, I said to myself screw it. I’m going. And I went. And it felt great. And I’ll go again. Yay me.

What are your fat-related fears?

Whenever you deny yourself something, it seems you want it THAT much more. I’ve been having cravings lately for so many different things that I just shouldn’t have. I was thinking if maybe i posted about the cravings… perhaps in painful detail, it may help to squash that craving!

Here goes!

One of my weaknesses is ice cream. It’s something I can eat tons of and never feel full (which is a dangerous thing when you are trying to get in shape. One of my favorite ways to eat ice cream is to take plain old Vanilla ice cream, douse it in hershey’s syrup and put some sprinkles on it for a little crunch! It’s absolutely delicious.

add them together and you get something magical

When I woke I intended to just do my elliptical machine and my abdominal exercises, but that didn’t happen! I got up around 6 this morning, finally rolled out of bed around 7. Got on my elliptical machine for a good 25 minutes. Burned about 350 calories . Got some water and went to work for a bit. Had toast for breakfast and then did some crunches.

For reasons beyond my control I had to leave work this morning so I decided to make the most of that time and I went for a run. 30 minutes later I was feeling pretty good. The thing is, I feel like I could do more. Maybe I will lift some weights during the next world cup game!

Yay me!

This week my letter is D. As I think of D, so many words come to my mind, so I think it will be tricky to find the ones that really define me.

• Dork - I’m such a dork…. a HUGE dork in fact (no pun intended there :p). I love to have fun and just be a goofball. I’m afraid I will be one of those parents who always embarrass their children . At least that is what i will strive to be!
• Demanding - I am extremely demanding of myself. I hold myself to a standard that I believe is sometimes unattainable. This makes it very easy to disappoint myself I’m afraid.
• Distant - When I have a rough day or something is bothering me, I tend to just shut out people and I get very distant.
• Delicious - Does this REALLY need an explanation
• Disappointed - I am quite disappointed with myself in so many ways. I like to think I’m a strong woman who can be very disciplined but sometimes I set goals for myself and I just CAN’T keep them no matter what I do.
• Deliberate -

I typically don’t do things without a reason. I think things through before I act for the most part.

• Dutiful - I posess a great sense of duty and have no problem fulfilling obligations. I won’t commit to something unless I know i will follow-through.
• Delightful - I think I’m just a bowl full of roses. Can you smell them
• Direct - You won’t get fluff or pretty pictures with me. I will tell it like I see it.