Yesterday I was out somewhere and I saw some people who were most likely a good 100 pounds heavier than me. I noticed I was comparing myself to them. Look at her stomach. At least mine is MUCH smaller than theirs. Just recently I was sitting in a waiting room and there was a girl in there sitting with her husband and she couldn’t fit in the chair. Granted these weren’t the biggest chairs, but she had to turn sideways to fit in it. I noticed myself looking down and seeing how much room there was between my hips and the side of the chair.

What this comes down to is I’m a bitch. What right do I have to compar myself to anyone really. I started wondering if people who were thinner than me were thanking their God, Buddha, flavor of the week, that they weren’t as fat as me. Well, that obviously didn’t make me feel very good. If I was doing it, surely someone else was too. I know I’m not the only self-conscience bitch out here.

The more i thought about it the more i realized why I did that. When I looked at these people I wasn’t thinking.. ewww yuck. I was trying to make myself feel better about my own size. Since being fat, I’ve come a long way with accepting my body size. I really believe that before you can change something about yourself, you need to learn to accept what you have. When I started gaining weight, I used to wear baggy clothes an try to hide myself. I thought if the clothes were baggy enough, no one would notice. I’ve changed that and will even wear form-fitting clothes that highlight parts of my body that i like.. tastefully of course.

I’m curious as to if other people have done this or if i AM the only rotten one? see again, i’m looking for company in my misery :/

In April, I had to fly for a business trip. This is the first time I had flown as a fat girl. I sit in my seat, which i fit into okay thankfully, and i go to buckle my seat belt and I have to let all of the slack out so i can buckle it. I was mortified. As I was letting the slack out I wondered if my neighbor next to me was staring at me thinking… give it up girl, just ask for an extender. But, somehow, I was able to wrap my seat belt around my poochy belly and CLICK.

Last week, I had another business trip. I board the airplane and I’m not looking forward to sitting down at all. Since April I have lost 10 pounds, but I’m still nervous. What if I didn’t lose it in the right spots or what if the seatbelt was smaller. What do I do, What do I do???

I sit down. My large bum still fits in the seat. Truth time. Will the safety belt fit around my bulging belly? With my right hand I grab the buckle, with my left I grab the belt I start bringing them together. I need to lengthen the belt with the extra slack and all of the sudden I an buckle AND I have an extra inch of slack.

Yay!

I’m afraid of going to the gym….but I did it anyway. This may sound so silly but for the past 6 months, I have been avoiding the gym like the plague. I’d rather go run at the park or so exercises at home. I have a few reasons for this.

1. I always wonder what people think when a fat girl is at the gym. So many people are so fit and pretty that I just think I’d feel out of place and that with every step on the treadmill, I may break it

2. I used to go to the gym when I was thin. People would see me everyday working out. While I rarely talked to anyone, there was a familiarity there. Always a nod and a simple hi. How do I face these people now that I’m fat.

So, I said to myself screw it. I’m going. And I went. And it felt great. And I’ll go again. Yay me.

What are your fat-related fears?

Whenever you deny yourself something, it seems you want it THAT much more. I’ve been having cravings lately for so many different things that I just shouldn’t have. I was thinking if maybe i posted about the cravings… perhaps in painful detail, it may help to squash that craving!

Here goes!

One of my weaknesses is ice cream. It’s something I can eat tons of and never feel full (which is a dangerous thing when you are trying to get in shape. One of my favorite ways to eat ice cream is to take plain old Vanilla ice cream, douse it in hershey’s syrup and put some sprinkles on it for a little crunch! It’s absolutely delicious.

add them together and you get something magical

This past week I’ve been getting better about my exercise, but I’m still not where I want to be. I expect to step it up tomorrow though. I didn’t take many opportunities for cardio last week. I ran twice and used the elliptical machine once. I tried to do my pushups and situps daily, but that didn’t happen. I was thinking of adding an exercise journal on the site here so I can update it daily and really take notice of how I’m doing. Tomorrow morning I will do my measurements for the week and let everyone know. Pound-wise things are about the same. Lost almost a pound but not quite so I don’t really count it.

I had a pretty good weekend. I spent most of it away from the computer and with my family. It was pretty relaxing. Tomorrow its back to the grindstone, I’m afraid. I have been enjoying the World Cup. Why does it have to only be on every 4 years. I think yearly would be awesome. Who do I call about that?

Hello? yes, this is Fat Girl. It really helps my days go by when I get to watch a bunch of good looking men sweat and play their asses off in a good game of soccer (football for you non-US types). Would you mind making this event yearly please? ok, wonderful. I’ll send candy.

When you are doing something as painful and dreadful as running, it helps if you are somewhere pretty like the beach or the park. I am not someone who can get on the treadmill and go for 30 minutes. But, if I’m outside I have no problems. It’s interesting that people are so different in that respect. I suppose we all have our “ideal” exercise conditions.

Something is missing from this great weight loss adventure of mine and it’s called a diet. I suck at diets. If I deprive myself of something, it makes me want it more. I’ve tried most diets I can think of and I just seem to suck at them.

So, what I’m trying to do is change things up a bit. I need to always eat breakfast and I will eat about 5 small meals/snacks a day. Hopefully spread things out a bit and increase my metabolism. I realize that in order to lose wieght I need to burn calories and fat. In order to do this I need to brun more than I take in. So, I don’t plan on really restricting my calories (except under 2k a day to start), but I will watch it. I plan on keeping a food journal. I’m thinking about adding it to this site actually. Doubt many people will want to read it but the whole world could see that I went to McDonald’s today! Talk about accountability.

So, this is where im starting. My immediate goal is to increase my activity level and burn more calories than I’m taking in. Once I’ve achieved that I will reevaluate!

I woke this morning, I wondered if me starting this site last night was just a dream; apparently not! It’s already been a rough morning. I tried to reach out to someone, but they weren’t there, and that just caused me to just breakdown in tears. Told you my mind is a mess. Love will do that to you unfortunately. With the good comes the bad I guess.

So, how do you pick yourself up when something like this happens. When you’re sad, y ou typically want to comfort yourself and feel better. Sometimes food does this for me as it does for a lot of people. At that moment in time you are just looking for anything to make you feel a little better. So you pick something up that tastes good. Requires very little effort and gives immediate satisfaction. I can’t do that this time though. Not anymore, right? That’s what I’m hoping at least.

Instead, I’m trying to write this and perhaps I’ll go do some sit ups to help distract myself. I need to get to work actually, it just seems hard right now when my mind is consumed with other things. Today will be a long day I’m afraid. I’ll get through it and luckily, tomorrow will be a new day.

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before you can begin to really pull yourself up. I think tonight is that night for me–at least I hope so. I’m starting this site primarily for myself and to try and “come clean” so to speak. Here is my story.

I am fat. I haven’t always been fat but i have gained a decent amount of weight before and have sucessfully been able lose it and keep it off…until now. This, hasn’t been one of those times unfortunately. Over the past year, I’ve gained about 65 pounds. That’s alot in such a small timeframe. That’s more than 5 pounds a week. Christ, I never looked at it that way.

I don’t mind exercising, in fact I enjoy it for its mental benefits. It’s just a stress relief for me. But over the past few months I’ve gotten so lazy with it. I make excuses not to do it, too busy, or whatever. The point is, I don’t do it and what it comes down to is I’m lazy. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, because I do. I like to work up a sweat. I like to “feel the burn” so to speak. Right now though, unfortunately, I like sitting on my butt more than I like those things.

Being someone that has had to lose the weight before, I know its all in my mind. I simply need to make the decision to lose the weight and just DO IT. So why the hell isn’t it so easy this time then? Where is my self-discipline and self-control? No where to be found here, I can assure you. I lack the motivation and the strength right now. These are things I need to try to change. My goal with this blog is to have it be a record for me of where I started and have it be a place where I can be held accountable. I will try to be as honest as possible in my postings. If I fail, I want anyone to be able to see it. No hiding under the covers anymore.

So, what is my goal? Do I want to be skinny, do I want to be out of double-digit clothes? No and No. Here is what I want. I need to find myself again and learn how to use my strength to accomplish my goals. My weight is just one aspect of my life that I’m failing in. I need more self-control and more self-discipline. I need to re-evaluate what matters to me and how i can make myself a stronger and healthier person. Physically I hope to just get in shape and be able to do the things I love.

So, what prompted this mini-crash that got me here? My head is just a mess. I’m overwhelmed with work, family, love, life and everything in between. My life is pretty good, but my mind is so disorganized and chaotic. I have no idea what I want out of life anymore and I have no idea how to proceed. This past year, my life has been turned upside down and I don’t see it turning right-side up anytime soon. Also, today is a bad day for me and it has been for the past 10 years. I really needed a friend today, but my best friend wasn’t here. The person I care about more than anyone else is far away right now and it seems I may never make it back to them. Is my bad day anyone’s fault though other than my own? No. I shouldn’t feel like I need to depend on anyone else. I need to rely on me to pick myself up. Its hard sometimes when you start feeling sorry for yourself, it just seems to be a downward spiral.

So, that’s me–a glimpse into my life Let the journey begin.