Something is missing from this great weight loss adventure of mine and it’s called a diet. I suck at diets. If I deprive myself of something, it makes me want it more. I’ve tried most diets I can think of and I just seem to suck at them.

So, what I’m trying to do is change things up a bit. I need to always eat breakfast and I will eat about 5 small meals/snacks a day. Hopefully spread things out a bit and increase my metabolism. I realize that in order to lose wieght I need to burn calories and fat. In order to do this I need to brun more than I take in. So, I don’t plan on really restricting my calories (except under 2k a day to start), but I will watch it. I plan on keeping a food journal. I’m thinking about adding it to this site actually. Doubt many people will want to read it but the whole world could see that I went to McDonald’s today! Talk about accountability.

So, this is where im starting. My immediate goal is to increase my activity level and burn more calories than I’m taking in. Once I’ve achieved that I will reevaluate!

Margaret made a post about the letter “S”. This is a blogging game where someone gives you a letter and you say 10 words about yourself that start with that letter. Margaret gave me the letter “A”. Thanks for the hard one Margaret. Maybe you should have given me “x” instead

Anyway, It was very informational and I learned a lot about Margaret! So, here is my go at it. If you want a letter, let me know.

The Letter A

Ambitious - I am extremely ambitious in my career. I seem to excel at whatever I do and continue to rise up in the ranks. Now I’m in the process of getting my company FULL TIME!

Anxious part 1 - I can use this word to descibe me in a few ways. I get anxious and I can stress out about things. This definitely is something I need to work on.

Anxious part 2 - I’m anxious to just feel better and feel happier! I know how good life can be and I’m anxious to have that again!

Authentic - I’m real. What you see is what you get. I am a tell it like it is kind of girl.

Achiever - I achieve things. I typically achieve everything I set my mind to. Which is why I’m here. I’m trying to set my mind to this. To getting healthy both emotionally and physically.

Atypical - I like to think that I’m not your average girl. I’m definitely not a cookie-cutter anything. I don’t try to fit the mold.

Adventurous - I love to try new things. I will try anything once.. maybe twice (i can already see where your mind is going and stop right there!!!) just to confirm that I really didn’t like it. I take risks and i try to enjoy life to its fullest. This next phase of my life isn’t just a journey.. it’s an adventure.

Athletic - Or at least I used to be. I LOVE sports.. and not just to watch them, but to play them. I miss this side of me b/c it really it was I enjoy. Right now when i run though, i feel every jiggle and shake there is and its hard to ignore it.

Abnormal - I never fit into a group. I make individual friends here and there and I usually have them for life. I’m a little off, you could say. But once you take the time to get to know me, people usually like me and they have a friend who would do anything for them.

Afraid - What if i afraid of? I have two big fears and I’m experiencing them both right now. Fear of failure is the first one. No one wants to set a goal for themselves and then fail. I try to keep my goals very small and achievable when i’m feeling weak and unsure. As I feel stronger I will make them a little harder to reach. Fear of the unknown is the second one. When I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know how to act. I am a planner. If I know what’s going to happen, no matter how bad it is, I can deal with it. It’s not knowing that scares the hell out of me.

That’s 10 things even though I used the same word twice. This is kind of neat to be able to look inward at myself and really think about it. Perhaps I’ll try a new letter each week.

A lot of people share their real personal information, but I’m not sure I’m ready to divulge this yet. See, with this blog, I plan on sharing details about myself and my feelings that are unknown to most of my friends and family. There is one person who knows about this blog and that is the way it’s going to stay; for now at least. I just don’t think I’m ready to let everyone know all of the insecurities, fears, feelings of shame, etc., that I experience. So, for now, this is how it will stay. My co-workers would be floored to learn some of the thoughts that go on in my head. I’d like to be able to feel like I can be completely open and honest with this blog, and not hold anything back. I think that is the only way this blog will be a tool along my journey.

Here is a little bit more about me.

The Good: I have a wonderful family who I adore. I have great friends who I enjoy hanging out with (yes, I’m the fat one in the group), I have a man who loves me as I love him and he supports me. I have an excellent job where I am respected and I excel at. I love to do things. I don’t watch much tv, and I do like to be active. My passion is nature. Even if I’m outside throwing the ball for my dog, I’m happy.

The Bad: I’ve experienced so much change within the last year that I’m not quite sure how to deal with everything. I’ve experienced heartbreak, love, loss, new friendships, losing old friends, uncertainty in my job, uncertainty in my family life, uncertainty in my future. There are so many details in between that I do plan on sharing at some point, I just don’t have time to write that novel right now. The point is, all of this change has just made my head a mess.

My future is still uncertain. I will probably be moving to a different country in the coming months so that means starting over. I’m not the type person who can just start over. When I go to a party or a get together, I am very shy and reserved. Even before I was fat I was like this. I would just kind of observe people and see who seemed to be the friendliest an most accepting. It has only gotten worse since I’ve gotten fat. I wonder if people just stare at me because I’m fat. I’m afraid to eat in public because are people disgusted by me. Are they wondering, why in the hell is that girl eating anything? NEWS FLASH TO SKINNY PEOPLE… fat people still need to eat believe it or not. Whether it be a banana, a hamburger, or some pizza, we still need to eat. If you see us sit down with an entire pie or cake in front of us, THEN you can stare. Stare all you want. But when we are just trying to eat dinner with your family.. Keep your eyes to yourself please.

My friends talk abotu fat people. They seem to overlook the fact that I’m fat, maybe that’s because I wasn’t always this way. So I’m accepted I guess. It still makes me feel awkward when it happens.

I guess it’s time for me to get to work now. I will have to continue this another time. As I eat my banana(good fat girl) and drink my mountain dew(bad fat girl), I will say goodbye and thanks for reading!
As I gained weight though, I think the things I love, I can’t quite enjoy as much because they have become such an effort.

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before you can begin to really pull yourself up. I think tonight is that night for me–at least I hope so. I’m starting this site primarily for myself and to try and “come clean” so to speak. Here is my story.

I am fat. I haven’t always been fat but i have gained a decent amount of weight before and have sucessfully been able lose it and keep it off…until now. This, hasn’t been one of those times unfortunately. Over the past year, I’ve gained about 65 pounds. That’s alot in such a small timeframe. That’s more than 5 pounds a week. Christ, I never looked at it that way.

I don’t mind exercising, in fact I enjoy it for its mental benefits. It’s just a stress relief for me. But over the past few months I’ve gotten so lazy with it. I make excuses not to do it, too busy, or whatever. The point is, I don’t do it and what it comes down to is I’m lazy. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, because I do. I like to work up a sweat. I like to “feel the burn” so to speak. Right now though, unfortunately, I like sitting on my butt more than I like those things.

Being someone that has had to lose the weight before, I know its all in my mind. I simply need to make the decision to lose the weight and just DO IT. So why the hell isn’t it so easy this time then? Where is my self-discipline and self-control? No where to be found here, I can assure you. I lack the motivation and the strength right now. These are things I need to try to change. My goal with this blog is to have it be a record for me of where I started and have it be a place where I can be held accountable. I will try to be as honest as possible in my postings. If I fail, I want anyone to be able to see it. No hiding under the covers anymore.

So, what is my goal? Do I want to be skinny, do I want to be out of double-digit clothes? No and No. Here is what I want. I need to find myself again and learn how to use my strength to accomplish my goals. My weight is just one aspect of my life that I’m failing in. I need more self-control and more self-discipline. I need to re-evaluate what matters to me and how i can make myself a stronger and healthier person. Physically I hope to just get in shape and be able to do the things I love.

So, what prompted this mini-crash that got me here? My head is just a mess. I’m overwhelmed with work, family, love, life and everything in between. My life is pretty good, but my mind is so disorganized and chaotic. I have no idea what I want out of life anymore and I have no idea how to proceed. This past year, my life has been turned upside down and I don’t see it turning right-side up anytime soon. Also, today is a bad day for me and it has been for the past 10 years. I really needed a friend today, but my best friend wasn’t here. The person I care about more than anyone else is far away right now and it seems I may never make it back to them. Is my bad day anyone’s fault though other than my own? No. I shouldn’t feel like I need to depend on anyone else. I need to rely on me to pick myself up. Its hard sometimes when you start feeling sorry for yourself, it just seems to be a downward spiral.

So, that’s me–a glimpse into my life Let the journey begin.