Sigh…going to events like dinner parties and birthday parties is always hard when you’re fat. You try to stay away from the food as much as possible and everyone asks you why you’re sitting there drinking water, “Have a beer or a glass of wine!” Meanwhile you KNOW how many calories are in that beer or wine. I don’t know about you but if I’m going to have 300 calories, I’d rather have 300 calories of something good over a beer or wine.

When I’m around my friends, I am really relaxed but when I am around people I don’t know, I feel like everyone is staring at me, judging me. Yes I’m paranoid. It all has to do with how I see myself though. Last night I went to a party and definitely felt out of place. Everyone there was looking glamorous and beautiful and I felt like I wanted to crawl under the table and hide. I’m not the best mingler but I forced myself to get out there and chat with some people I didn’t know. It is definitely alot easier when you are happy in your own skin.

The meal time wasn’t bad, it was the dessert time that was tough. Everyone is eating dessert and the pressure is on you to have some too. Do you cave and have some or do you say thanks but no thanks.

Well, initially I was strong. I said, no thanks. Then the host came around again, “Won’t you please have some?”, fine..a small piece and of course they bring back what isn’t a very small piece and I ate it all. I’m weak right now . Losing weight sucks.

Well, I’ve been gone for a while obviously. I had no idea my last post was in February. So where in the hell was I? Life got the better of me I’m afraid. I got bogged down with work, traveling, spending time with my family, etc. I kept myself pretty damn busy throughout the spring and actually was able to maintain my weight loss. Now that summer is here, I’ve been back in a funk again unfortunately. I’ve gained 15 pounds back which really pisses me off, but it’s my own fault. I just am not feeling very happy in general and I haven’t been working out at all.

I know this blog helped me so long ago and all of the great people I met through it. I’m hoping i can find my motivation again. I hope you’ll accept my apology for falling off the face of the earth. I haven’t forgotten you all!

There was this woman who was walking on the edge of a cliff and she slipped down the side and on the way down she manages to catch herself by grabbing onto a branch. This is in the heat of the day. The sun goes down and she is still there, clinging to this branch; her muscles aching and her body cramping. Her fingers start to tremble and she realizes the end is near and she prays. God tells her to “Let Go”. She doesn’t listen. She fights as long as she can and when the sun comes up, she looks down and sees the ground is a foot below her hanging feet. She let’s go.

A good friend of mine recently told me that story. He has seen me experience a lot of pain over the past few months which came to a climax last month. He has continuously told me to just let go of the pain as relief is within my grasp much as it was with the woman hanging on the branch. Letting go is a lot harder than it sounds and in the meantime it is just a mindfuck really.

Imagine you are planning your life one way and everything you do and every action is to help you reach a goal and all of the sudden that option that you held so dearly is gone. Not an option anymore. And there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. You try to hold on because you have worked so hard for this and you see this goal as your only way to true happiness. One day, you catch a glimpse of it and you feel it may be reachable. Maybe you can have it after all! The next week the door is slammed in your face.. hard. All this time you’ve been wondering what happened.

You start by blaming yourself. You analyze the choices you made that resulted in this. You wonder what could have been if you would have made different choices. But does that really matter? Whats done is done.

Once you realize these events were out of control you really start to feel anger towards the thing or person that ruined it all for you.. at least that is how you see it. But for me, I couldn’t really get my anger out so I internalized it and just kind of shut down.

Not any more though. Since last month I have been taking great strides to really accept what has happened and just move on with my life. Yes, what could have been would have been awesome. But it’s not what will be and I am finally at a point where I am OK with that. I am getting on with my life. Instead of being the sad, depressed girl who just wants to stay home, I am getting out more. I am making myself do things that normally i wouldn’t do in a million years! Who decides to completely step out of their comfort zone and go to a party by themselves where they don’t know a single person. I met the host once at the gym and she told me about a get together so I went. It was awesome. I’ve gone out and done the girl’s night out things and had a blast. I’ve sent the kids to a baby sitter and have actually been on “dates”. For those who dont have kids anything without kids is considered a date. But, I’ll take it. I’m taking classes now and am seriously considering pursuing my MBA.

I am signed up to play soccer next month which I am really looking forward to. I am in a lot better shape then I was in the fall so I think things will go a lot smoother (read I shouldn’t die from a heart attack). I am just living again and having fun again. I am really just spending quality time with me and getting to know myself again and am finding i’m not half as bad as I have been letting myself feel. It’s crazy what something like that can do to your self-esteem, self-worthiness, and confidence. Even if it was out of your control! It really showed in my family life, my work, my friendships, etc. Which is why i needed to take my friends advice and just “Let Go”.

So, I’m getting on with it and am ready for the next chapter in my life. I no longer have a goal. I have no clue what will happen or what direction my life will take me and I’m ok with that.

Researchers in London have released results that say they have a chewing gum that helps you lose weight. I would chew gum non-stop if that was the case.

Anyone who has tried to lose weight knows how hard it is and i think 99% of us would try some gum if it would actually work. I know there is no miracle pill but man… I wish there was.

So far my new year has been incredibly BUSY! The holidays were actually pretty tame at my house which was pretty nice. The kids were out of school so we got some good quality time in there and we played a ton of video games to include the great fat burner, Dance Dance Revolution. We did some travelling durin this time and I also worked a ton! I had some work for clients as well as personal projects I’ve been working on. I had a deadline for something for today which I have met so now I get to relax, sign back online and catch up on everyone’s lives!

I’ve never been someone who makes resolutions, but I do like the idea of a clean break and starting fresh. We all should have that once in a while, don’t you think? I have plenty of things I would like to accomplish this year and instead of making resolutions, I like to make goals. On the personal front I would like to run more and participate in more organized running events. There is a monthly beer run here in town where people run a 10k and then everyone gets drunk. Sounds like a party to me . I don’t want to set any weight loss number goals but instead I just want to keep losing weight… even if its just a couple pounds a month. Progress is progress and I will take it! In april I will have a complete physical done and I’ll get to check the status of the PCOS. It will be neat to compare the results to the results from last year.

Time to go catch up on all of your blogs now

Rather than trying to figure out how to get hold of you all individually, let me put this post out there! I love reading your blogs and sometimes I find things I want to comment on. But about half of you (blogger people raise your hands) don’t allow for comments by non-blogger members. You should change that!

Nuff said. Have a nice day

Making friends has never been easy for me as i tend to be pretty closed off and only let a select few “in.” A few months ago I got to know this girl and we talk about once a week on the phone, post on each others blogs and hang out every couple of weeks or so. Well, this weekend I ran into her husband at the grocery store. I had never met him before but I’d seen him numerous times so I knew who he was. I decided it was a good time to introduce myself so I did and he asked me how i knew his wife and had no idea who he was

For some reason I just felt sad like maybe she doesn’t feel the same connection I feel or something. Rather silly and school-girlish for a girl in her 30s, but I guess I just feel it b/c i don’t get close to very many people.

I was reading Tracy’s blog where she brought up a good point about being out with friends and them not supporting her the way she needed it. I’ve experienced this before; you are out with friends, they expect you to eat as they eat and drink as you drink. Well, we all know what a night like that can do to our weightloss efforts.

I think though when friends try to get you to drink with them or eat what they are eating; that they aren’t trying to hurt your efforts, but instead just think you look fine the way you are and they probably feel like you are denying yourselves a good time.

It’s hard though, do you say something and risk offending your friends? Do you give in to their pressure? I wouldn’t do either unless it got overwhelming. I typically just say no thanks, I’m fine. I haven’t yet had to say something to a friend, but what do you do when things like that happen?

I was just sitting here, looking at my belly and thinking.. I wish there was an easy way. I know I’m not alone in this When we want to get healthy we want results fast, but we all KNOW, that the most effective way to maintain weight loss is to lose it slowly. but COME ON PEOPLE. Don’t the weight loss gods know that I’m impatient? I want to know all the tricks people have used to help and if there are any shortcuts… spill em!

I’ve been reading alot about hypnosis lately and have even considered that which is HUGE for me. I’m just tired and I think I just need some motivation. I’m at the point where I’ve lost about half the weight I want to lose and I’m becoming happier with my body and my health. I can run and exercise like i used to. I am a lot stronger, my body is more defined, and I just feel better about myself. I just now need to make sure i don’t get too comfortable in this skin and I persist to go all the way. I’m sure this is a feeling plenty of you have felt so I would love to hear any advice!

well, I wanted to lose 10 pounds in just a couple weeks time. I did not make that goal.. *sigh*… but I did lose 5 pounds and I looked fabulous! It’s fun to get all dressed up and feel pretty. It’s been a long time since I’ve had the opportunity to dress up and it was cool because of the weight I’ve lost. I still have more to go, but over the past few months I’m doing well.

I will try to get some pics up soon. I have some, but my battery has since died and I need to find the charger in order to pull them off.

Now, I need to figure out my next goal. The past couple of weeks have been extremely busy and I expect the next two to be just as busy as only 8 more days until christmas.. eek..