My fat is my security blanket
August 8th, 2006The past year and a half of my life was an emotional roller coaster. I put on weight during this time and I have seemed to hold onto it. it’s almost like a security blanket in a sense. Once you finally accept yourself for being the weight you are, you get comfortable and kind of use it as a guard; you hide behind it.
I feel like this is what I’ve been doing for so long. There is some security in knowing that the people closest to you will always accept you and love you no matter your size. But there is also that fear of rejection. I don’t know how many times I’ve avoided certain situations b/c i was afraid people would not look at me..but instead look at my fat and judge me.
It seems counter-productive that what makes you feel bad (the fat) also makes you feel safe. Pretty twisted, but I think that is what has been happening.
This past week has been the beginning of the peak of this long ride and I expect it to last just a few more weeks before I finally start to descend. because of events that have happened in this week though, it has really prompted me to do a lot of soul searching and I’ve realized it’s time to let go of what’s comfortable. Of all of the things that make me feel safe and basically just go for it… It is my time. Expect many ups and downs from me, but expect results. I have no doubt I have the motivation right now…so let’s hope it stays that way!
Yes, Yes, Yes! You have said it, and so very eloquently and in a way that every one who has ever had a weight issue can relate to.
I often wonder whether I was refused for that role in a play because I was fat (even being rejected for the part of ‘Fat Sam’? Took me a while to figure out that it was my acting that was lacking, not my appearance!), job rejections, didn’t want to go on trips, out to dinner, out to a pub/nightclub with friends because I was worried I would be judged, when I was probably the most judgemental of myself in not giving myself any chance at all.
Comment by Marshmallow — August 9, 2006 @ 1:23 am
I completely understand everything you’ve said here. We have to get strong, get fit and get over it!!
We can do this …..
Bri
Comment by Briony — August 9, 2006 @ 3:33 pm
I used fat to try to buffer me from the rest of the world.
I just want abalance now.
Comment by Iportion — August 10, 2006 @ 3:32 am
Time to shed the outer layer…be brave!
Comment by FatMom — August 11, 2006 @ 1:33 am
I know exactly how you feel. I have had that same realization many times. It’s scary to realize your security blanket can also be your prison. The first step is taking that stand and saying you are going to do something about it. Good for you! Know that you are not the only person who feels this way. You don’t have to go through this alone! Good luck taking the first step.
Comment by Trixie Belden — August 19, 2006 @ 4:27 pm
For me, I think being overweight is something to focus on — to take my mind off anything and everything else that may be bothering me. If I spend most of my time thinking about losing weight and everything associated with it, I don’t have to spend any time thinking about how much I don’t like my job or how much better a job at being a mother I wish I were doing…
Comment by susan — August 26, 2006 @ 3:14 pm