Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before you can begin to really pull yourself up. I think tonight is that night for me–at least I hope so. I’m starting this site primarily for myself and to try and “come clean” so to speak. Here is my story.

I am fat. I haven’t always been fat but i have gained a decent amount of weight before and have sucessfully been able lose it and keep it off…until now. This, hasn’t been one of those times unfortunately. Over the past year, I’ve gained about 65 pounds. That’s alot in such a small timeframe. That’s more than 5 pounds a week. Christ, I never looked at it that way.

I don’t mind exercising, in fact I enjoy it for its mental benefits. It’s just a stress relief for me. But over the past few months I’ve gotten so lazy with it. I make excuses not to do it, too busy, or whatever. The point is, I don’t do it and what it comes down to is I’m lazy. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, because I do. I like to work up a sweat. I like to “feel the burn” so to speak. Right now though, unfortunately, I like sitting on my butt more than I like those things.

Being someone that has had to lose the weight before, I know its all in my mind. I simply need to make the decision to lose the weight and just DO IT. So why the hell isn’t it so easy this time then? Where is my self-discipline and self-control? No where to be found here, I can assure you. I lack the motivation and the strength right now. These are things I need to try to change. My goal with this blog is to have it be a record for me of where I started and have it be a place where I can be held accountable. I will try to be as honest as possible in my postings. If I fail, I want anyone to be able to see it. No hiding under the covers anymore.

So, what is my goal? Do I want to be skinny, do I want to be out of double-digit clothes? No and No. Here is what I want. I need to find myself again and learn how to use my strength to accomplish my goals. My weight is just one aspect of my life that I’m failing in. I need more self-control and more self-discipline. I need to re-evaluate what matters to me and how i can make myself a stronger and healthier person. Physically I hope to just get in shape and be able to do the things I love.

So, what prompted this mini-crash that got me here? My head is just a mess. I’m overwhelmed with work, family, love, life and everything in between. My life is pretty good, but my mind is so disorganized and chaotic. I have no idea what I want out of life anymore and I have no idea how to proceed. This past year, my life has been turned upside down and I don’t see it turning right-side up anytime soon. Also, today is a bad day for me and it has been for the past 10 years. I really needed a friend today, but my best friend wasn’t here. The person I care about more than anyone else is far away right now and it seems I may never make it back to them. Is my bad day anyone’s fault though other than my own? No. I shouldn’t feel like I need to depend on anyone else. I need to rely on me to pick myself up. Its hard sometimes when you start feeling sorry for yourself, it just seems to be a downward spiral.

So, that’s me–a glimpse into my life Let the journey begin.