Just wanted to let everyone know that i’ll be working on a new theme over the next couple of days so you will see some changes. I’m not having add, I promise. There is a plan! Just stay with me while I make this change! This is a theme from another blog which will stay up here temporarily until I have the new one ready!

Something is missing from this great weight loss adventure of mine and it’s called a diet. I suck at diets. If I deprive myself of something, it makes me want it more. I’ve tried most diets I can think of and I just seem to suck at them.

So, what I’m trying to do is change things up a bit. I need to always eat breakfast and I will eat about 5 small meals/snacks a day. Hopefully spread things out a bit and increase my metabolism. I realize that in order to lose wieght I need to burn calories and fat. In order to do this I need to brun more than I take in. So, I don’t plan on really restricting my calories (except under 2k a day to start), but I will watch it. I plan on keeping a food journal. I’m thinking about adding it to this site actually. Doubt many people will want to read it but the whole world could see that I went to McDonald’s today! Talk about accountability.

So, this is where im starting. My immediate goal is to increase my activity level and burn more calories than I’m taking in. Once I’ve achieved that I will reevaluate!

Last week, I went to buy a shirt from my gym. They had these cute women’s shirt and I decided I wanted one. I wasn’t even sure if an extra large would fit, but i figured I could wear around the house if it was too tight, right! So, I told the guy behind the counter that I needed an Extra Large. They didn’t have one.. of course. He said, “I bet a large would work!”, I really wanted to kiss him for being so kind, and laugh out loud at how ridiculous he sounded and then finally cry because no.. dammit, the large wouldn’t work.

It’s been about a good month since I’ve run and a very long time since I’ve run regularly. So, when i ran 5k today, well, it kicked my ass. I had my music playing which is always nice. I jogged the first mile, walked 1/2 mile, ran another mile, walked 1/2, and then ran the remainder. Took me about 47 minutes, but there you go. I know people who can walk faster than that! There was a bike race running right outside of our race so that was fun to watch and it was a great motivator.

I feel great about the run and plan on going to the park tomorrow. Will probably just do 2 miles at the most though as I’d rather not die anytime soon . I’d like to keep this up, I just need to make sure i make time for it in my schedule.

One thing I know i need to do to get in shape is exercise. Well, I decided to jump right in and I’m registered for a 5k on Saturday. I have no doubt I will come in last. A year ago I used to run twice a day pushing both kids in a stroller. What the hell happened. Well, I became a big fat ass. I can blame it on hormones, changes in my body, pcos, anything really. But what it comes down to is I’m Fat and I need to change it. The best thing that works for me is exercise. It helps me both mentally and physically. Off I go!

Margaret made a post about the letter “S”. This is a blogging game where someone gives you a letter and you say 10 words about yourself that start with that letter. Margaret gave me the letter “A”. Thanks for the hard one Margaret. Maybe you should have given me “x” instead

Anyway, It was very informational and I learned a lot about Margaret! So, here is my go at it. If you want a letter, let me know.

The Letter A

Ambitious - I am extremely ambitious in my career. I seem to excel at whatever I do and continue to rise up in the ranks. Now I’m in the process of getting my company FULL TIME!

Anxious part 1 - I can use this word to descibe me in a few ways. I get anxious and I can stress out about things. This definitely is something I need to work on.

Anxious part 2 - I’m anxious to just feel better and feel happier! I know how good life can be and I’m anxious to have that again!

Authentic - I’m real. What you see is what you get. I am a tell it like it is kind of girl.

Achiever - I achieve things. I typically achieve everything I set my mind to. Which is why I’m here. I’m trying to set my mind to this. To getting healthy both emotionally and physically.

Atypical - I like to think that I’m not your average girl. I’m definitely not a cookie-cutter anything. I don’t try to fit the mold.

Adventurous - I love to try new things. I will try anything once.. maybe twice (i can already see where your mind is going and stop right there!!!) just to confirm that I really didn’t like it. I take risks and i try to enjoy life to its fullest. This next phase of my life isn’t just a journey.. it’s an adventure.

Athletic - Or at least I used to be. I LOVE sports.. and not just to watch them, but to play them. I miss this side of me b/c it really it was I enjoy. Right now when i run though, i feel every jiggle and shake there is and its hard to ignore it.

Abnormal - I never fit into a group. I make individual friends here and there and I usually have them for life. I’m a little off, you could say. But once you take the time to get to know me, people usually like me and they have a friend who would do anything for them.

Afraid - What if i afraid of? I have two big fears and I’m experiencing them both right now. Fear of failure is the first one. No one wants to set a goal for themselves and then fail. I try to keep my goals very small and achievable when i’m feeling weak and unsure. As I feel stronger I will make them a little harder to reach. Fear of the unknown is the second one. When I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know how to act. I am a planner. If I know what’s going to happen, no matter how bad it is, I can deal with it. It’s not knowing that scares the hell out of me.

That’s 10 things even though I used the same word twice. This is kind of neat to be able to look inward at myself and really think about it. Perhaps I’ll try a new letter each week.

A lot of people share their real personal information, but I’m not sure I’m ready to divulge this yet. See, with this blog, I plan on sharing details about myself and my feelings that are unknown to most of my friends and family. There is one person who knows about this blog and that is the way it’s going to stay; for now at least. I just don’t think I’m ready to let everyone know all of the insecurities, fears, feelings of shame, etc., that I experience. So, for now, this is how it will stay. My co-workers would be floored to learn some of the thoughts that go on in my head. I’d like to be able to feel like I can be completely open and honest with this blog, and not hold anything back. I think that is the only way this blog will be a tool along my journey.

Here is a little bit more about me.

The Good: I have a wonderful family who I adore. I have great friends who I enjoy hanging out with (yes, I’m the fat one in the group), I have a man who loves me as I love him and he supports me. I have an excellent job where I am respected and I excel at. I love to do things. I don’t watch much tv, and I do like to be active. My passion is nature. Even if I’m outside throwing the ball for my dog, I’m happy.

The Bad: I’ve experienced so much change within the last year that I’m not quite sure how to deal with everything. I’ve experienced heartbreak, love, loss, new friendships, losing old friends, uncertainty in my job, uncertainty in my family life, uncertainty in my future. There are so many details in between that I do plan on sharing at some point, I just don’t have time to write that novel right now. The point is, all of this change has just made my head a mess.

My future is still uncertain. I will probably be moving to a different country in the coming months so that means starting over. I’m not the type person who can just start over. When I go to a party or a get together, I am very shy and reserved. Even before I was fat I was like this. I would just kind of observe people and see who seemed to be the friendliest an most accepting. It has only gotten worse since I’ve gotten fat. I wonder if people just stare at me because I’m fat. I’m afraid to eat in public because are people disgusted by me. Are they wondering, why in the hell is that girl eating anything? NEWS FLASH TO SKINNY PEOPLE… fat people still need to eat believe it or not. Whether it be a banana, a hamburger, or some pizza, we still need to eat. If you see us sit down with an entire pie or cake in front of us, THEN you can stare. Stare all you want. But when we are just trying to eat dinner with your family.. Keep your eyes to yourself please.

My friends talk abotu fat people. They seem to overlook the fact that I’m fat, maybe that’s because I wasn’t always this way. So I’m accepted I guess. It still makes me feel awkward when it happens.

I guess it’s time for me to get to work now. I will have to continue this another time. As I eat my banana(good fat girl) and drink my mountain dew(bad fat girl), I will say goodbye and thanks for reading!
As I gained weight though, I think the things I love, I can’t quite enjoy as much because they have become such an effort.

I woke this morning, I wondered if me starting this site last night was just a dream; apparently not! It’s already been a rough morning. I tried to reach out to someone, but they weren’t there, and that just caused me to just breakdown in tears. Told you my mind is a mess. Love will do that to you unfortunately. With the good comes the bad I guess.

So, how do you pick yourself up when something like this happens. When you’re sad, y ou typically want to comfort yourself and feel better. Sometimes food does this for me as it does for a lot of people. At that moment in time you are just looking for anything to make you feel a little better. So you pick something up that tastes good. Requires very little effort and gives immediate satisfaction. I can’t do that this time though. Not anymore, right? That’s what I’m hoping at least.

Instead, I’m trying to write this and perhaps I’ll go do some sit ups to help distract myself. I need to get to work actually, it just seems hard right now when my mind is consumed with other things. Today will be a long day I’m afraid. I’ll get through it and luckily, tomorrow will be a new day.

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before you can begin to really pull yourself up. I think tonight is that night for me–at least I hope so. I’m starting this site primarily for myself and to try and “come clean” so to speak. Here is my story.

I am fat. I haven’t always been fat but i have gained a decent amount of weight before and have sucessfully been able lose it and keep it off…until now. This, hasn’t been one of those times unfortunately. Over the past year, I’ve gained about 65 pounds. That’s alot in such a small timeframe. That’s more than 5 pounds a week. Christ, I never looked at it that way.

I don’t mind exercising, in fact I enjoy it for its mental benefits. It’s just a stress relief for me. But over the past few months I’ve gotten so lazy with it. I make excuses not to do it, too busy, or whatever. The point is, I don’t do it and what it comes down to is I’m lazy. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, because I do. I like to work up a sweat. I like to “feel the burn” so to speak. Right now though, unfortunately, I like sitting on my butt more than I like those things.

Being someone that has had to lose the weight before, I know its all in my mind. I simply need to make the decision to lose the weight and just DO IT. So why the hell isn’t it so easy this time then? Where is my self-discipline and self-control? No where to be found here, I can assure you. I lack the motivation and the strength right now. These are things I need to try to change. My goal with this blog is to have it be a record for me of where I started and have it be a place where I can be held accountable. I will try to be as honest as possible in my postings. If I fail, I want anyone to be able to see it. No hiding under the covers anymore.

So, what is my goal? Do I want to be skinny, do I want to be out of double-digit clothes? No and No. Here is what I want. I need to find myself again and learn how to use my strength to accomplish my goals. My weight is just one aspect of my life that I’m failing in. I need more self-control and more self-discipline. I need to re-evaluate what matters to me and how i can make myself a stronger and healthier person. Physically I hope to just get in shape and be able to do the things I love.

So, what prompted this mini-crash that got me here? My head is just a mess. I’m overwhelmed with work, family, love, life and everything in between. My life is pretty good, but my mind is so disorganized and chaotic. I have no idea what I want out of life anymore and I have no idea how to proceed. This past year, my life has been turned upside down and I don’t see it turning right-side up anytime soon. Also, today is a bad day for me and it has been for the past 10 years. I really needed a friend today, but my best friend wasn’t here. The person I care about more than anyone else is far away right now and it seems I may never make it back to them. Is my bad day anyone’s fault though other than my own? No. I shouldn’t feel like I need to depend on anyone else. I need to rely on me to pick myself up. Its hard sometimes when you start feeling sorry for yourself, it just seems to be a downward spiral.

So, that’s me–a glimpse into my life Let the journey begin.